Wandering Aussie
Week 11 of 52
Well as you know I’ve started a new diet / detox / diabetes reduction plan. Really what did I have to lose. So the first 2 weeks is preparation. I have to get off the following by the proper start date, which is 30th of April.
- No Caffeine
- No Alcohol
- No Gluten or Casein (ie. no flour based or diary based products)
- No Artificial Sugars
- No Processed Carbs that act like sugars
- No Sugars
Yeah it’s a pretty long list. Gluten / Casein / Alcohol can be re-introduced after 8 weeks. It’s just to sort out if I have any food allergies.
To cut a long story short, it’s to flatten out my sugar load over the day. Keep my blood sugars level, and to reduce my insulin resistance (yes I’m a type 2 diabetic). I’m pretty stable with a good HbA1c, but I use medication to do that. So experimenting with my body, and trying to use food more, and understand the effects is very important for my long term health.
I’m giving up things progressively. I gave up the caffeine and artificial stuff on the weekend. And it was a hell of an experience. I’d been drinking caffeine in one form or another since i was 16. It’s not 5 days in, and I’m finally starting to feel human. The headaches have almost gone, and the sluggishness I feel in the morning is still pretty bad, but I am starting to sleep better. I was in bed last night by 9:30pm by choice. Which is very strange for me, cause I’m normally a night owl.
So basically by next Monday. I’ll be off everything. Then stay like that for a week, and start the serious stuff.
Exercise, I’ll be honest I was a lazy shit, as the headaches just fucked with me all weekend, and last week I was just so damn busy, couldn’t find time. So I’ll be back into again this week.
That’s it for now.
Discontent & Disconnected
I’m not happy people. I feel so disconnected from my life and myself. I’m using crap food, and crap experiences, and spend my life day dreaming of something better, while trying to lie to myself and make it seem like I’m doing alright.
Does that sound familiar?
Before you take what I wrote the wrong way. Yes I’ve lost weight in the last 12-18 months. But it’s not ideal. I’ve been eating better than I have been in my life, but it’s still not enough. I have food cravings up the wazoo, and everything feels very piecemeal, and not sure what the ultimate goal is.
I see so many people on here, saying they have a goal. They talk of what they have done, and the struggle, but as we all know, watching someone else motivate themselves, is a poor substitute to motivating yourself. Some people do it really well, and they have an end game of what they want. A way of living, rather than just oh I want this. Others of us, struggle from one goal to the next thinking that will suffice, and end up on this yoyo ride of discontentment, that we try to convince ourselves that we are happy.
I for one don’t think it’s good enough for me. I won’t ever be content while trying to fix little issues. It’s a state of mind or state of being. What ever you want to call it is what I’m truly after. It’s not an outer body experience I’m after it’s a inner one. Trying to re-educate myself in understanding my own signals. I can and know I can do better.
I’ve been trapped in my own mind for so long, disconnected from life, and humanity. We weren’t meant to live in a vacuum. We are social creatures. We try to reach out in any form we can, and end up more alone. All I can see about modern life is we are more connected individually than ever before, yet it isolates us at the same time. We are scared of what other people think of us, of being humiliated. So we place the physical barrier between us all called distance. The people closest too us, we seem most estranged from.
I don’t want the default human experience any more. I want a better one. We have a strong sense of community, you only have to look at tumblr for that, but some of us are just as isolated, and I know I am. It’s mainly fear of being hurt, and fear of being humiliated. Modern life is cruel like that. You want to protect yourself, and I understand that totally. But seriously life is nothing without human touch, feeling, laughter, and enjoyment.
Abuse, poor eating, addictive foods, alcohol, drugs, etc all take that away from that in some way. Yet, life seems to like to tell you, that your are not having fun without it. I want to challenge that.
So here it is, my motivation, my life’s message, what ever you want to call it.
“To STOP being a afraid of life, and be an active participant, no matter what any one else thinks or does”.
This blog will no longer be a fitblr or what over acronym that we use to categorise themselves. It’s a life blog. As in THIS IS MY LIFE. Will focus on the things I love, what I’m doing to nourish my body, mind and soul, and not about humiliating others, and their choices. There is way too much hatred around to put up with it in my space.
Week 10 of 52
This week is going to be a little different. I haven’t jumped on the scales at all. With Easter, chocolate, extra food etc. I already know the results.
I’ve just had a whole heap of tests done. Vitamin deficiencies, thyroid (all of them), gluten, and a whole heap of others that are too numerous to mention. The more reading I’ve been doing, especially of research pertaining to chronic disease, obesity, insulin resistance etc, the more I’m realising there is a lot more to this game than people realise. I’m not going to start an argument here, as it’s not the intention, but it’s been very interesting to say the least.
Mentally I’ve been all over the place. Way too many things going on inside my head.
Been exercising where I can.
Essentially from this weekend, I’m making some dramatic changes to my diet. In response to the tests I got back yesterday. It’s for 12 weeks, to get certain things on track, then we go through the tests again, to see the results, and what I need to tweak it. I know I’m not going into too much detail here, as a lot of it is intensely personal, and related to medical conditions I have, and have had.
Should be an interesting 12 weeks to say the least.
Oh and won’t be doing the usual weight thing during next 12 weeks. It’s all a big experiment :)
Week 9 of 52
SW : 174kg (Sep 2010)
CW : 142.6 kg
GW : 70kg
Stalled on the weight loss this week. That was expected. I have felt completely mind / body fucked the last 3-4 days, and only just starting to drag my sorry arse out of it again. I’m not that worried about it. The motivation is starting to return now, and it was nice to take some time out to be honest. But rest time is over :)
Mental health, is doing ok right now. I guess I’m just focussed on other things, and photography is helping a lot with that. It is something I don’t mind going out on my own to do. To wander, and walk amongst things, and see where it goes. I’m curious where this new hobby is going to lead me, as every spare moment right now I’m reading, or looking at other peoples photos, and on how they took things. It’s inspiring me a lot.
Foodwise, has been pretty good. A little comfort eating, but I blame the exam for that. It has stopped now it’s over. Now to survive easter at my parents. lol.
Hopefully some more interesting updates coming soon!
Week 8 of 52
SW : 174kg (Sep 2010)
CW : 142.6 kg
GW : 70kg
Back to posting this close to the right day :)
Managed to lose 0.5kg. So it’s still going down. I’ll be a lot more focused after Saturday. I’m so looking forward to this exam being over. Because I’ve been solely focused on it for the last month, it’s been affecting my moods significantly. I guess for a very long time I had all this stuff buried. So haven’t it all stirred up and in the open again, and having to concentrate on exams has made me susceptible to it’s charms (i use the word loosely here). It’s harder to deal with those things, when you actually have to stay focused on getting the work done. So it has made me very anxious.
Food this week has been amazingly on track. No real deviations, and no real comfort eating. So I’m pretty happy with that fact. Getting a few cravings, but nothing I haven’t been able to control.
Fitness is going well. Hit all my workouts that I wanted to this week. I’m not back at the gym yet, just sticking to KB rotations at home, and walking. I’ll wait until this exam is over before getting serious about finding a gym that I like. I have one in mind near work, that is lifting focused, and do month to month memberships.
So at the moment it’s study study study, and getting the last of photography stuff out of the way. Then a bit of freedom again :P I can’t seriously wait.
Week 7 of 52
SW : 174kg (Sep 2010)
CW : 143.2 kg
GW : 70kg
I’m writing off this week. It’s been shitty, my weight didn’t really change, and I’ve been focused on other things.
Studying my arse off. I’m having mixed results on practise exams which is bugging me. I rip through some of them, and get 90%, and other ones I’m lucky to get 55%. I’ve got a week to go, and hopefully I should see some more consistency. This certification is a tough one. It’s not that the material is that hard, it’s just the shear amount of it. Best way to describe it is, it comes an inch deep, but a mile wide. It’s 270 questions in 6 hours as well. So they can cover a large range of things. I’m getting tired, and all I can think about is the material at the moment.
Exercise wise, I’ve been doing ok. I’ve been very busy at work, and making time for it has been hard. I feel guilty when I’m out there, cause I really need to pass the exam. Bring on the 1st of April, when I can concentrate on something else.
Food I have been stress eating a little bit, but not badly. As you can see my weight hasn’t really changed, and the biggest impact right now is the lack of the amount of exercise, and a little increase in calories. And stress!
That’s it for now.
Week 6 of 52
SW : 174kg (Sep 2010)
CW : 143.4kg
GW : 70kg
Yes I know I’m on hiatus. I wrote this earlier in the week, and forgot to post it. Just so you know I generally do this update on a Tuesday. So this update is a few days old. So some of it might not count by the time you read this.
I dropped another 0.5kg, so I’m happy about that. I’m a bit all over the place which is throwing out a lot of things. Physically I’m doing fine, I’m in a groove with things again, so it is getting easier. There is also a new gym which has opened up near work. It’s cheap, and it’s got heaps of free weights. So I’m going to go check it out once I get some more time. For the mean time I’m going to keep throwing the kettle bell around at home.
Food wise. I’m off the boil right now. It’s the increased stress from the mental health stuff. I’m not eating bad peruse, but sometimes I do sooth myself with food. As it seems to be the only ting that is settling me down at the moment. There needs to be some improvements, and I will focus on them between the studying.
Mentally still all over the place. I’ll be upfront there, I’m having anxiety issues. I’m getting way too freaked out by people at the moment. Crowds are scaring me, and just general being around people is doing my head in as well. I had an opportunity at work to go out on site for a few months but I’ve had to decline. Cause just the thought of it turned me into a non-effectual shaking idiot in under 3 seconds.
I know it’s all from what I am having to deal with from my past. It’s spewing out of me lately like I have no control over it. I don’t like having to stay present with what is going on, but I must. It’s the only way to put all this shit behind me. So endure it I will. I just hope things get easier soon. I’m not complaining, just explaining the situation.
Week 5 of 52
SW : 174kg (Sep 2010)
CW : 143.9kg
GW : 70kg
I’m not going to lie. This week has been a complete shocker. Not sure how the scales are showing a drop, but I’m not going to argue with them. Yes I’ve been exercising more, but damn my head is all over the damn shop. Mentally I’m foobar.
Weight has dropped, my foot is taking more punishment at least. I’m still getting pain, but with ice afterwards it seems to be ok the next day. If I forget to ice it, that’s a completely different story, and results in a world of pain. So physically I’m doing fine.
OMFG my head is just bleh. It’s all over the place, I’m moody / jealous / self doubt / fear / anxious / depressed / everything all at the same time. I’m just one complete ball of crazy at the moment, and doesn’t seem to be soothing itself. Not through exercise, not through trying to calm myself. Nothing. I’m in one of those modes where I’m not happy with anything that’s happening right now, and secondly my own self worth is through the floor. Got the whole teenage angst thing going on (makes little sense at 38 but let’s go with it here), of being alone for the rest of my life. I guess all those insecurities of most of my life were going to surface as part of this journey. But holy fuck, it still surprises me with the intensity of the feeling.
I understand why I use to try and bury this stuff. I had no idea why it was occurring or have any means of dealing with them. Even the open / adult me is having trouble dealing with them. But endure we must.
Sorry if this is all over the place, and confusing this week, that sentence pretty much sums up my mental state right now.
Week 4 of 52
SW : 174kg (Sep 2010)
CW : 144.7kg
GW : 70kg
Woo Hoo! Weight is moving again. 0.8kg this week. I’ve been exercising more, and seriously had a great weekend. Yeah I drank too much, but also got down the beach, and got some walking in.
I bought a decent tripod for my camera on the weekend as well. As this weeks class is an outdoor night shoot, which I’m intensely excited about. I also tried to teach myself more about white balance and colour levels. Set the tripod up in the kitchen which has sunlight coming through the window and door. Took a series of shots trying to get the balance right, and what the different white colours do to the shots. It was a purely technical exercise so I can learn more about how my camera works, and how to get the best looking shots. The geek in me was very happy indeed.
Mental Health was interesting this week. I’ve been in a daze of sorts. I’m becoming a lot more comfortable with my own company, and starting to question the thoughts I’m having in my head on my own. I’m been writing a lot more, and becoming more aware of how to fix things. I do get pretty down though, there are certain people I’m really missing in my life. They were so important to me, and they still are. They will never not have an importance to me, and I don’t regret for a minute any of the time I was lucky enough to spend time with them. Hopefully one day I can again in some capacity, but if not I’m eternally grateful.
I think that’s it for now. If I’ve missed something, or you want to know something just drop something in my ask. I will answer them privately.
Thanks!
Adz
Week 3 of 52
SW : 174kg (Sep 2010)
CW : 145.5kg
GW : 70kg
A bit up and down week. I’ve been screwed around by people, and I’ve decided to refocus again on myself. I find I start feeling needy in these circumstances, and not really strong enough to fight my inner child. It’s still healing, and putting it in situations that it’s not really comfortable is not good for my progress.
Started at Photography course last week. The teacher is awesome, and I’m looking forward to see how it goes. I need to take an ornament / light source / backdrop for class tomorrow night, and I can’t believe how stressed I am about it. It’s just nerves cause it’s something new. The other thing is I don’t really have that many ornaments. I don’t tend to stuff my house with those kind of things. So I’ll let you know what I come up with tonight.
Fitness wise it was a good week. More KB workouts, and more walking. I still have foot pain, and I’m going to be carrying out a little experiment over the next few weeks to spur some more weight loss on, to remove some of the pain. Yes it’s a little bit of rapid loss, but I’m so far overweight, a bit of this isn’t going to hurt.
Dropped 1/2 a kg this week. As long as it’s going down I’m not going to stress about it.
Mental health. I keep learning more and more about myself as times go on. I’m more self aware, and start seeing things I’ve never noticed before. The longer term goals though is to regain my confidence at life. Nothing scares me more than humiliating myself publicly. And I need to get over that. It’s part of the introvert in me, but I need to be less frightened to do new things.
