Wandering Aussie

Confession of my depression : It gets better (part 2)

Note : Part 1 is here

If someone had said to me even 6 months ago, that I would be where I am today, I would of laughed in their face. I probably would of had some disparaging remark about myself, and probably ended up with some diatribe of how wrong they were.

I’m not here to tell you I am cured. I’m not, and I’m far away from being so, But Pain / Anxiety / Depression are a part of life, and like anything else in life they need to be managed and dealt with in a healthy way. 

Firstly I’m not a health professional, I’m not a shrink, I’m not in any way officially qualified to offer any advise what so ever. 

My way of coping

Exercise

• This is priority number one. Nothing allows me to think through things as well as exercise does. I’m a big fan of long walks, as they allow me to soak up the sounds, smells, and sights of the world around me. It also brings that pleasant smile, and nod when you walk past fellow walkers. 
• Find something you love doing. And do it every time you should. Nothing is better than consistency.
• Find people / club / classes / gym that want to do the same things you do. Being challenged by those around you keep you consistent.
• Find a trainer that has the same goals as you do. Who will help, encourage, and most importantly challenge you.

Friends / Companions / Lovers / Family / Hangout Partners

• Stop hanging out with people that make you feel devalued. 
• Stop hanging out with people that are as miserable as you. Misery loves company, but you walk away worse than you started. 
• Stop hanging out with people who’s only way of entertaining themselves is getting drunk, drugged, sex, sad movies, sad music, or use you.
• Stop hanging out with people who don’t love you back.
• Stop being with people that lie, and cheat. 
• Stop hanging out with people who sabotage your progress.
• Choose friends that make you laugh, and respect you.

Live within your means

• Stop wasting you hard earned cash on bullshit. 
• Stop cluttering your life with the consumer machine. The latest gadget that will end up in a box 3 weeks later.
• Stop trying to charge up some happy.
• Nothing creates more stress than living above your means. It’s an addiction, and the consumer machine works overtime. 
• De-clutter your life. Remember the joy of when you are away from home with minimal things. That’s what you need at home as well. 

Start looking after yourself

• Treat yourself as special.
• Nourish yourself with healthy foods. They will make you feel amazing.
• Most overweight people eat plenty of food, but believe it or not are nutritionally starving. Body is craving for all the things you aren’t having. Vitamins, Minerals, Essential Fatty Oils etc.
• Find things that make you laugh and smile, and occupies your time.
• I can’t stress this part enough. Get in touch with you again. Stop running away from who you are. That disconnect is the void you are trying to fill with everything else.

Get Help

• Seriously, go get help. No don’t give me that strange look. You have been fighting this for years. If anything that should tell you that you are strong, but need guidance. 
• Take your time in choosing who to talk to. Just like everything else in life, one person who maybe perfect for me, would completely suck for you. If you don’t see progress, or you just don’t plain get on, find another one.
• If getting a therapist is beyond your means find a friend who is neutral in your life who will let you talk to them. You need to get all this shit out of you. While it’s buried with in you, you can’t do a damn thing about it.
• Trust yourself.

I never said this was going to be easy. It’s a battle, and you need to treat it that way. The focus you need to have is massive, but it is all very worth it. 

Remember nobody is perfect, even the most happy, and comfortable people have been through their trials and drama. The only difference between them and you is the way they approach those hassles, and work through them. There is nothing like having a challenge, and beating it. This is no different.

I’m not where I want to be, but I now treat myself with the respect I deserve, and have created boundaries for myself that I won’t allow anyone to cross. For example a couple of my non-negotiable are:

1. No dating until i’m respecting and happy in myself.
2. No people in my life that prevent, or hinder my healthy lifestyle, by either devaluing myself worth or by preventing me from exercising.

I have plenty more, but they are personal to yourself.

Just remember you have been fighting all your life against the dreaded black dog, you just need to remember that if you focus this energy in the right place you will never regret what comes out of it.

Most of all.

BE BRAVE. IF YOU DON’T TAKE RISKS YOU MISS OUT ON THE GOOD STUFF.

Even though I have never met any of you. I love you unconditionally for taking the time to read it.

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Confession of my depression (part 1)

This is going to be long, and personal. So buckle up. It’s going to be 2 posts. Which will become self explanatory.

A few people in my followers list have been talking about depression lately. I’m not sharing this to one up them (this isn’t a competition) but I’m hoping sharing more of my story may help some people out there.

I’ve been suffering from depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress most of my life. It’s incedious and nasty illness that doesn’t make you sad. It completely takes away the energy, emotion, motivation, and most of all sense of self that you need to participate in life.

As well meaning friends say, and continue to say.

“Why don’t you just cheer up?”

As those who have suffered from it know, it’s isn’t that easy. It’s all pervasive, and doesn’t let up because you have close company, or a partner, or friends, or participating in something you enjoy. It’s their following you around, reminding you ever second that life is going to keep pressuring you, and pushing down on you so hard, that some days it feels like your chest is going to explode.

What keeps you going in times like this? Sheer bloody mindedness, that things will hopefully get better. Anyone that tells you that you are weak because of mental illness, is full of shit. Dragging your sorry arse out of bed to a world that you have zero interest in or motivation for is the toughest act of defiance that you can have.

You hang on to the slimest of hopes that things will get easier. That one day you will wake up and it will all be gone. It doesn’t happen like that. It’s a ongoing process, it is battle you have to gear up for, and it will be the fight for your life.

The casualty list can be as long as any war. You push the people you care about the most away, and comit some of the most henious acts to your self, and the people around you. All because you are embarrassed, unmotivated, humiliated, or scared to show whats really going on.

I’ve burnt through relationships, friendships, colleagues and strangers. Been so paranoid about reaching out for help that you would rather suffer in silence rather than go through the process again. To admit you need company, and then make them suffer because you hated to show your frailty, and most of all you want them to feel as miserable as you, so they know how you feel.

It’s a contradiction that is difficult to understand, and even harder to suffer through. And most of all it makes you isolated, and feel more alone than you have ever felt, because the one person that you should never feel uncomfortable with is your own self. You’re alone, because you no longer have a healthy relationship with yourself, and the self talk going on within you is more destructive then what the worst person could ever do to you in your life.

You look for other people or life experiences to fill that void. From relationships, to bad eating, to sex, to drugs or any other number of self destructive behaviours that crush your soul even more, but for short periods of time make you feel alive enough to forget how badly you feel.

I have been through them all.

But things do get better…

Part 2 coming soon.

Edit : Removed the cut. Yes it’s personal, but I want people to feel free to share this.

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Year in Review

Well it’s a wet cold day in Sydney town today, and there isn’t a single thing for me to work on. So seeing I’m pretty much flat out now to new years, primarily getting drunk, and visiting my childhood buddies for the next two weeks, I thought I would give a quick run down on this momentous year.

As I look back towards January I knew it was going to be a big year from the onset. The October before I decided to kick off my health kick, and knew that the new year would force things into high gear.

January was seen in by Armin Buuren in Melbourne.

It was when I started to ramp up my walking, and trying to eat a lot cleaner than I was use to. I was waiting around for a sleep specialist appointment that seemed to take forever. I was still in intensive trauma therapy for a number issues from my past, and I felt very trapped and non responsive. Still very hung up on my ex, and not really sure what this year would bring.

Sleep Apnoea

As the year moved on I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnoea, and went through the motions to find out why. It involved sleep surveys, and visits to expensive specialists and surgeons, and to the eventual removal of my tonsils in late July, and recovery through August and September. The sleep survey in October confirmed what I already knew, that I was sleeping through the night again.

Good news was it was gone. Bad news was if a GP had listened to me sooner, and noticed that my tonsils were massive, I wouldn’t of had it in the first place.

Mental Health

This ended up being a big year for this. I was in trauma therapy already for a past I couldn’t handle. That had never been treated, and I’ve talking about this elsewhere. That wrapped up about July. Now that I through that, I was open enough to deal with other things in my brain.

Started to see a new shrink, and it has done wonders for my self esteem, and dealing with things that were long since gone. Automatic patterns formed over half a life time ago, and no idea why were affecting my every day things. Discovered some skeletons in my closet that have been eating me away inside since I was a child, and things can only get better from here.

Tumblr

Dear god, I discovered a place full of wandering idiots, fools, reprobates, scoundrels, nerds, gods, hotties, and insane glorious mad creatures. I’m proud to call you amongst the closest friends I have that I’ve never met. You continue to make me laugh, smile, and never take myself seriously. I’m so glad one of my friends suggested it, and although I got off to a rocky start, and deleted once I’m pretty much here to stay.

I’m glad to say there isn’t a normal one amongst you, and it’s those wonderful differences, and craziness that continues to make me come back each and every day to see what everyone is up to.

Thank you!

Fitness and Injury

I started off with a bang. Started the year at 165kg, and ended the year at 145kg, and lowest I was 139kg. A combination of exercise, and good eating. Trying new things like kettlebells, and jogging. And trying to challenge myself every other day.

I got a solid reminder that Im not 20 something year old any longer. From feet that refused to heal, a knee that gave out on me, and several other niggling injuries that have slowed everything down the past few months. It’s a temporary set back, and my mental health also played a part as I was getting use to the new equilibrium.

As I’ve pointed out before, your mental health is so important, you can’t have proper physical health if you can’t fix up the mental side of things. How you see the world, the way you look at yourself, and the way you understand your own mind are just as important as what you are point in your body.

Love, life & friends

I’ve streamlined who I call friends. I was trying to satisfy too many masters, and was spending time with people all the time as an excuse not to look at myself. For the first time I can say I’m really starting to get comfortable with myself, and starting to be very good company for myself. As a consequence I choose who I spend time with. I make the effort to see friends and no longer expect them to contact me. It is a great feeling when you are happy in yourself. 

Love life is practically non-existent. It hasn’t been a priority due to the fact I was still getting over the past. I also needed to sort out my mental health as I was making bad choices, and treating people bad because of my own insecurities. I’m happy to say I’m still friends with my ex, and I hope that will continue. We both needed to sort things out, and that bond will grow other time. Spent 6 years of our lives together, and I’m not willing to throw that all away.

What’s up for 2012??

Really it’s three things.

• Satisfy my Wanderlust 
• Get back into the dating game
• Keep satisfying my fitness / health mojo.

Thank you!

Big thank you to my friends, family, tumblr, and anyone else that has helped me through this year. I wish I could reach out to all of you and give you a massive hug.

This is just the beginning baby, and there is damn whole lot more to come.

BRING ON 2012, cause I have a feeling it’s going to be fucking amazing :))

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My Journey (The first year)

Warning : This is going to be a long one, so hang on for the ride.

 
 

 
This was me in july last year, 13 months ago. I was 174kg (380 lbs). This is the picture that started it all. I was a broken man. I’d been convincing (deluding) myself for the longest time that I was ok. The truth of the matter was, I was not ok. I was so far from being ok that the only way I could handle my life was to delude myself. 
 
I was totally disgusted at what I saw in that photo that day. Something had to change. I sat in a daze for almost 2 weeks. Completely dumb founded at what I needed to do.
 
I was 37 years old. I had gone bankrupt 6 months earlier. Had broken up from yet another long term relationship 6 months before that. I was destroyed inside. I didn’t want to look in their at all. I had been dead in their for the longest time but something was still alive and breathing. Only just. At that moment I realised i still had something to work with.
 
First stage was to start sorting out my mental health. Nothing else was going to happen unless I started to do something about it. There is so many things I could describe about my past. They shaped who I am today, but has no bearing on where I want to go in the future, so leaving those well and truly back there.

I went and saw a psychologist for a 1 hour free session that I was entitled to. I sat down with a bookish looking 50+ year old guy, and just started to unload. He canceled everyone else he had that day, and we ended up talking for 5 hours straight, without letting up at all. At the end of it he said, …Adam, I have someone who you need to go see. I’m not going to tell you what I think it is, I just want you to go to this guy, and talk to him, like you have to me today. Then we will go from there“. 

An appointment was made, and I waited a week. This guy was the same age as me, and looked straight out of a extreme sports video. He sat me down and said, …The way this is going to work is, I’m going to ask you some targeted questions, but essentially you are going to be doing all the talking“. After about 25 minutes he said …ok that’s all I need.“

…Adam, I’m a psychiatrist. I specialise in post traumatic stress disorder. And you my friend are an open and shut case. First thing I want to explain to you is. PTSD does not go away. It does not get better without treatment.“

…You must have a very well developed coping mechanism. You manage to hold down a full time job, you manage to have relationships. They won’t have been that emotionally healthy ones, and to be honest they were always going to end. Most people who have PTSD can’t work, can’t relate to people, can’t really do anything much at all.“

…All the weight you are carrying around is your mental need to build a barrier between yourself and the rest of life as well. That will become less necessary as time goes on.“

…The next stage is, you will be seeing me 4 times a week for 45 minutes each time. This will go on for at least 6 months. We are going to deconstruct your mind, and build you a new one. I’m warning you right now, that this is a brutal process but it will be worthwhile. I will see you tomorrow. Oh one big thing, no relationships for at least 12 months. You do not want that kind of turmoil ruining all your hard work. So just take it easy, enjoy the single life and just focus on yourself.“

And that as they say was that. 

The next stage I went and saw an endocrinologist. I’d been struggling with my diabetes, as well as my weight. My endo has a big interest in sports nutrition. I told him what I wanted to do. He started teaching me how to eat again. Being diabetic we pretty much decided that processed carbs of any sort were going to leave my diet. All my carbs would be coming from fruit and vegetables. I started getting all organic meat, fruit, and vegetables.

I have to admit, the first couple of weeks were hell. I was craving all the bad shit that I was stuffing my face with over the last 20 odd years. I was a mess. A month in I started to notice some changes. The cravings were settling down, and the food I was eating was starting to taste awesome. My taste buds were changing. I was really starting to enjoy what I was eating. I wasn’t counting calories, just listening to what my body wanted, and only eating when I was hungry or craving something healthy. I’d never eaten like this before in my life. Food was a greatest emotional crutch, and that relationship was starting to be broken.

So those three events have changed me forever. I was on a journey to discover myself.

Exercise was the tough one for me to start with. I couldn’t walk very far, and every part of me ached. So we started off easy. Gentle walks after work every day ( 20 minutes max) & a 40 minute walk on one day of the weekend. I started to see the weight move for the first time in a very long time. I avoided being on the scales except once a month when my endo weighed me. To be honest the scales I had at home had long gone past their usable limit. 

Around December when summer started, I was complaining about being tired all the time. I always put it down to being overweight. I can’t remember a time in my adult life where I didn’t wake up tired. I thought I’d better mention this to my GP the next time I was there. This would start another big wheel in motion. We should get you tested for sleep apnoea. Here is a referal to a sleep specialist.

I made an appointment, and turned out to be in late January. So 2 months away. I met with him the first time, and first half of the appointment was talking about rugby. One of my joys. Then we got down to business. …I’m betting you do have it. Secondly you tonsils are huge. They will have to go. First ring this person, organise a sleep survey, then once you have the date, make an appointment with this surgeon for 4 weeks later. Call me tomorrow when you have the date of the sleep survey, and I will see you 2 weeks after that.“

Sleep survey turned out to be in May. I have to wait 4 months. I continued to exercise, and work on my health, and mental health. Seeing the shrink, and eating well, and exercising.

In that mean time, my person blog kept was getting annoying to maintain. Wordpress just needs way too much maintenance. I was bitching about it at work. One of the guys I work with recommended tumblr. 

Sounds good, I’ll give it ago. What the hell? What a massive change finding this place has made in my life. I found people who were so inspiring, so educational, so friendly, and willing to share of themselves in the most unexpected ways. I’ve learnt so much about myself in the eyes of these simply amazing people. There are way too many on here to mention, BUT ALL OF YOU HAVE AFFECTED MY LIFE IN SOME WAY. 

The biggest thing I’ve learnt on tumblr is to never, ever sell yourself short. You can do the most amazing things if you put your heart and soul into it.

I’ve also learnt that I’m an introvert, and instead of being ashamed and scared of it, and trying to be something I’m not. I’ve started to embrace it as it’s part of me and who I am. I spend a lot of time on my own, and in the past I viewed this as a bad thing. I don’t anymore. It allows me to do the things I want, when I want, and not be held to other peoples timetables. 

Along came may, and my sleep survey. It proved I had severe obstructive sleep apnoea. The sleep specialist said although it’s severe cause a drop of oxygen across your whole body, it’s not as bad as he thought it would be. It was 20 times an hour, only for a few microseconds. He was expecting 50-60 times per hour, and up to half a second. After we get rid of your tonsils i want you to go in for another sleep survey 8 weeks after that. I’m expecting a large improvement, and we shouldn’t need to blow air into your face.

So now I’m sitting here 12 days after my tonsils being removed. Relaxing at home on my own, watching doctor who. My house is clean again after the chaos of the recovery, the pain is now manageable with just panadol.

Big Changes in last 12 months:

• Less Stressed
• First time in my life I’m becoming comfortable with who I am
• I’ve lost 34kg ( 75 lbs)
• I’ve learnt to exercise
• I’ve learnt to eat properly
• More confidence
• Not afraid to try new things

Things for the next 12 months

• Start working on my professional development
• Becoming less of a hermit
• Keep the weight loss going
• Bigger strength gains

This is me now. This jacket use to be tight on me. Pretty impressed with myself and who could blame me.

Yes I always need a shave. Everytime I have a shave I get hassled for looking 12.

P.S Just wanted to add a quick bit. To those people who I have dated in the past. You were all amazing people, I just wasn’t in the head space to make the most of what we had at the time. I’m truly sorry for what you had to go through. You were all simply incredible people, and even happier that some of you are still friends with me :)

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