Wandering Aussie

Random personal thoughts, and an apology.

I have been thinking of writing this for a long time.

I’m 38 years old. I’m heading rapidly towards 40, and the first time in my life I feel like I have a sense of my own self. There has been so many people that have come and gone in my life. Lovers, friends, people who have made an input in more ways than I care to mention.

They have all said the same thing about me.

“That I’m lovely, kind and caring person. That if I got past my own self-doubt, and flaws that I would be such an amazing person. You care deeply, you are passionate, and you don’t see how much that you are loved”.

To me that all spells that “I have potential”.

Its been following me around most of my life. When did I become so distrustful of people? When did I become a horror to spend time with? When did I become that person that would destroy the beauty that came into my life? The one that couldn’t stand his own company? I believe it built up over time.

It came from being told the world is a big scary place. That the world is full of people trying to hurt you, and to trust no one. It came from being told that I wasn’t good enough from the person I trusted the most. To have my trust, and caring abused and taken advantage of at a point in my life where I couldn’t defend myself. I know they had their reasons, and that they were damaged themselves. But in my head there is voice screaming,” You don’t do that to a child”.

I am not a saint. I am far from it. I’ve done my share of stupid things, and hurt in many cases irreparably the people that I wanted to show my love. I just never knew how to do that in any healthy way. I have mistaken obsession for love. The need to be helped and shown attention because I felt no one ever listened to me. I wanted people I was in love with to spend every waking moment with me. Not because I didn’t trust them. It was because I didn’t trust myself. I was terrified of spending any real time with myself. Cause it was a horrible begotten creature, devoid of any human understanding. The insecure child in me didn’t want to live with the estrangement, and the dark and dirty secrets buried inside me. It was dying, and the only way it was happy was in the arms of another. To be told that the horrors inside me weren’t real, and so I could use them to bury it for a while.

The problem was, the horrors were real, and they were eating me alive.

I would do anything to keep from feeling that pain. I didn’t want to understand it, because it was the part that wasn’t good enough. I’ve touched it several times in the last few months, and it’s deep, and dark, and fearful, and it is like a pit that I feel that I would never escape.

I’m more self-aware that I have ever been in my life. I am trying at the moment to heal the child within, and it’s a process that I don’t understand. I’ve come to realise that the childish part of me, is the best of me. Its been hurt by all the other things, and is not allowed to play. I have been stomping on its head for so long, and telling it to behave, and it is screaming to be free.

I’m learning to be comfortable with the turmoil, and see where it leads. It has been taking me some interesting places. Some of it horrific, others are downright delightful.

It’s where I’m currently at, and its journey is interesting, and frightful at the same time. I’m also acutely aware that it is one that I essentially have to walk on my own. Sure people can be supportive, but it’s me that has to do the work.

I’ve also learnt that I am an introvert, and that is not a bad thing. I have associated it as being weak. That I couldn’t get up there, and be as outgoing as other people. My attempts at it were always awkward, and misguided. People have always thing I’m either a) trying to hit on them b) or some weirdo trying to stalk them.

Once upon a time I use to feel the need to fill all silences with noise. Normally with stories, and crap I’ve learnt over the years that no one else gives a rat’s arse about. I was uncomfortable with silences. Now I’m starting to realise I don’t need the noise. I’m starting to enjoy my own thoughts. I’m finding I can amuse myself. These are all good things, and I have some ways to go, but I will get there.

To all those in my life. Past and present. Friends, lovers, boyfriends, family, hangers on, random strangers, passing fancies and general scoundrels and reprobates. I do, and always will love you. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you. You have all added that little bit.

Those who are no longer around, I miss you more than I can really explain.

I also wanted to apologise for the pain that I have put you through. I never wanted to hurt you. It was never my intention, but it was the inevitable outcome from what was happening to me.

I know most of you won’t see this. But I did want to get it out there.

Love always Adam

• mystory