Wandering Aussie

My Journey (The first year)

Warning : This is going to be a long one, so hang on for the ride.

 
 

 
This was me in july last year, 13 months ago. I was 174kg (380 lbs). This is the picture that started it all. I was a broken man. I’d been convincing (deluding) myself for the longest time that I was ok. The truth of the matter was, I was not ok. I was so far from being ok that the only way I could handle my life was to delude myself. 
 
I was totally disgusted at what I saw in that photo that day. Something had to change. I sat in a daze for almost 2 weeks. Completely dumb founded at what I needed to do.
 
I was 37 years old. I had gone bankrupt 6 months earlier. Had broken up from yet another long term relationship 6 months before that. I was destroyed inside. I didn’t want to look in their at all. I had been dead in their for the longest time but something was still alive and breathing. Only just. At that moment I realised i still had something to work with.
 
First stage was to start sorting out my mental health. Nothing else was going to happen unless I started to do something about it. There is so many things I could describe about my past. They shaped who I am today, but has no bearing on where I want to go in the future, so leaving those well and truly back there.

I went and saw a psychologist for a 1 hour free session that I was entitled to. I sat down with a bookish looking 50+ year old guy, and just started to unload. He canceled everyone else he had that day, and we ended up talking for 5 hours straight, without letting up at all. At the end of it he said, …Adam, I have someone who you need to go see. I’m not going to tell you what I think it is, I just want you to go to this guy, and talk to him, like you have to me today. Then we will go from there“. 

An appointment was made, and I waited a week. This guy was the same age as me, and looked straight out of a extreme sports video. He sat me down and said, …The way this is going to work is, I’m going to ask you some targeted questions, but essentially you are going to be doing all the talking“. After about 25 minutes he said …ok that’s all I need.“

…Adam, I’m a psychiatrist. I specialise in post traumatic stress disorder. And you my friend are an open and shut case. First thing I want to explain to you is. PTSD does not go away. It does not get better without treatment.“

…You must have a very well developed coping mechanism. You manage to hold down a full time job, you manage to have relationships. They won’t have been that emotionally healthy ones, and to be honest they were always going to end. Most people who have PTSD can’t work, can’t relate to people, can’t really do anything much at all.“

…All the weight you are carrying around is your mental need to build a barrier between yourself and the rest of life as well. That will become less necessary as time goes on.“

…The next stage is, you will be seeing me 4 times a week for 45 minutes each time. This will go on for at least 6 months. We are going to deconstruct your mind, and build you a new one. I’m warning you right now, that this is a brutal process but it will be worthwhile. I will see you tomorrow. Oh one big thing, no relationships for at least 12 months. You do not want that kind of turmoil ruining all your hard work. So just take it easy, enjoy the single life and just focus on yourself.“

And that as they say was that. 

The next stage I went and saw an endocrinologist. I’d been struggling with my diabetes, as well as my weight. My endo has a big interest in sports nutrition. I told him what I wanted to do. He started teaching me how to eat again. Being diabetic we pretty much decided that processed carbs of any sort were going to leave my diet. All my carbs would be coming from fruit and vegetables. I started getting all organic meat, fruit, and vegetables.

I have to admit, the first couple of weeks were hell. I was craving all the bad shit that I was stuffing my face with over the last 20 odd years. I was a mess. A month in I started to notice some changes. The cravings were settling down, and the food I was eating was starting to taste awesome. My taste buds were changing. I was really starting to enjoy what I was eating. I wasn’t counting calories, just listening to what my body wanted, and only eating when I was hungry or craving something healthy. I’d never eaten like this before in my life. Food was a greatest emotional crutch, and that relationship was starting to be broken.

So those three events have changed me forever. I was on a journey to discover myself.

Exercise was the tough one for me to start with. I couldn’t walk very far, and every part of me ached. So we started off easy. Gentle walks after work every day ( 20 minutes max) & a 40 minute walk on one day of the weekend. I started to see the weight move for the first time in a very long time. I avoided being on the scales except once a month when my endo weighed me. To be honest the scales I had at home had long gone past their usable limit. 

Around December when summer started, I was complaining about being tired all the time. I always put it down to being overweight. I can’t remember a time in my adult life where I didn’t wake up tired. I thought I’d better mention this to my GP the next time I was there. This would start another big wheel in motion. We should get you tested for sleep apnoea. Here is a referal to a sleep specialist.

I made an appointment, and turned out to be in late January. So 2 months away. I met with him the first time, and first half of the appointment was talking about rugby. One of my joys. Then we got down to business. …I’m betting you do have it. Secondly you tonsils are huge. They will have to go. First ring this person, organise a sleep survey, then once you have the date, make an appointment with this surgeon for 4 weeks later. Call me tomorrow when you have the date of the sleep survey, and I will see you 2 weeks after that.“

Sleep survey turned out to be in May. I have to wait 4 months. I continued to exercise, and work on my health, and mental health. Seeing the shrink, and eating well, and exercising.

In that mean time, my person blog kept was getting annoying to maintain. Wordpress just needs way too much maintenance. I was bitching about it at work. One of the guys I work with recommended tumblr. 

Sounds good, I’ll give it ago. What the hell? What a massive change finding this place has made in my life. I found people who were so inspiring, so educational, so friendly, and willing to share of themselves in the most unexpected ways. I’ve learnt so much about myself in the eyes of these simply amazing people. There are way too many on here to mention, BUT ALL OF YOU HAVE AFFECTED MY LIFE IN SOME WAY. 

The biggest thing I’ve learnt on tumblr is to never, ever sell yourself short. You can do the most amazing things if you put your heart and soul into it.

I’ve also learnt that I’m an introvert, and instead of being ashamed and scared of it, and trying to be something I’m not. I’ve started to embrace it as it’s part of me and who I am. I spend a lot of time on my own, and in the past I viewed this as a bad thing. I don’t anymore. It allows me to do the things I want, when I want, and not be held to other peoples timetables. 

Along came may, and my sleep survey. It proved I had severe obstructive sleep apnoea. The sleep specialist said although it’s severe cause a drop of oxygen across your whole body, it’s not as bad as he thought it would be. It was 20 times an hour, only for a few microseconds. He was expecting 50-60 times per hour, and up to half a second. After we get rid of your tonsils i want you to go in for another sleep survey 8 weeks after that. I’m expecting a large improvement, and we shouldn’t need to blow air into your face.

So now I’m sitting here 12 days after my tonsils being removed. Relaxing at home on my own, watching doctor who. My house is clean again after the chaos of the recovery, the pain is now manageable with just panadol.

Big Changes in last 12 months:

• Less Stressed
• First time in my life I’m becoming comfortable with who I am
• I’ve lost 34kg ( 75 lbs)
• I’ve learnt to exercise
• I’ve learnt to eat properly
• More confidence
• Not afraid to try new things

Things for the next 12 months

• Start working on my professional development
• Becoming less of a hermit
• Keep the weight loss going
• Bigger strength gains

This is me now. This jacket use to be tight on me. Pretty impressed with myself and who could blame me.

Yes I always need a shave. Everytime I have a shave I get hassled for looking 12.

P.S Just wanted to add a quick bit. To those people who I have dated in the past. You were all amazing people, I just wasn’t in the head space to make the most of what we had at the time. I’m truly sorry for what you had to go through. You were all simply incredible people, and even happier that some of you are still friends with me :)

• my story